Captain #DadJokes in advertising, how dare you?

Dustin Brown is a menace to society and also to me!

I’ve talked before about how I really enjoy when Kings fans get glimpses of the Brown family, particularly Dustin Brown’s wife, Nicole. Back then I neglected to mention how entertaining I find Kings captain Dustin Brown, too. He’s hated by a lot of people for crushing guys on ice, but off ice, he’s the goofiest and dad-liest of all.

Never forget him spinning in a circle alone to celebrate a goal:

Jazz hands are best but also never forget Brown celebrating a Martinez goal w/ a twirl http://t.co/8Gjqnsj3Js pic.twitter.com/9fKhJMlCTM

— THX BUD (@thxbud) November 16, 2014

He can even make the grumpiest guys smile by being a goofus. For example, my favorite surly wretch, Phil Kessel:

Also, that Toyota Highlander commercial that’s shown once during every Kings game this season is amazing. It’s not great because I want a Highlander or because the concept is off-the-wall. What makes it a highlight for me is watching Dustin Brown car model.

 
Yeah, you work that cheat out to the camera, Brown. Get Vanna with it.

The related radio ads that run on 790 KABC showcase Brown’s voiceover work, too. Nick Nickson and Daryl Evans are wonderful for calling Kings games, but Brown describing the features of a sedan with great fuel economy, oh my. Now that’s entertainment.

And who can forget his contribution to the Kings’ Verizon Wireless + NHL GameCenter ad?

“Live?” asks Brown. So convincing. Such gravitas.

However, things have officially gone too far. Brown has upped his commercial acting prowess. He’s now part of Sportsnet’s “Get Game Ready” campaign, and he’s enlisted some help, and it’s the absolutely torturous. I can’t for stand it.

 
First of all, Brown’s haircut this season has persisted much longer than I anticipated. It’s so trendy, I don’t know how a guy who posts things like this to Twitter ever decided to rock it.

Captain Trendy Dad Jokes on deck.

So not only do we have cool captain this year, but then I have to be ambushed by his small, charming child? Literally ambushed. This kid appears out of nowhere and brings in sunshine.

Wow, this is so rude.

Why is this still happening to me? This is the longest 30 seconds of my life.

Oh, thank goodness, it’s over. I’m not going to this website.

Noooo, I wasn’t ready for the end tag!!! Death blow.

Dustin Brown must be stopped. I’m not talking about him running into players on the ice. It’s not Brown’s fault that Tomas Hertl is apparently made of porcelain. Instead, I mean this vicious attack on my penchant for stoicism. I have a reputation to protect. This endangers my #brand and thus my livelihood. (All $0 I make from this!) Ads like these cannot continue. It’s irresponsible to use his army of cute children against me and the world.

Stop Dustin Brown 2015.